you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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