okay pat passed out under dana's car
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
