Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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