"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
