I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize