i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize