3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
