this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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