how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
