Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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