I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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