I just threw up on my dentist
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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