haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
