1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
