You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
