He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
