I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
