shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
