she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
