My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
