I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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