Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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