How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
