i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Watching her eat just hurts me
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
