I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
