uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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