Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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