every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
