Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
