It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
