this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
