I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
