i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
