They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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