Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
