You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
