I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
