I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize