The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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