I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
