so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
