Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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