So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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