The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
