I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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