Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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