babies were throwing up all over the place
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
my shit smells like andre
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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