unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
