I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
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