guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Randomize