She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
