How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
