don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
