hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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