You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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