and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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