Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
