My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
