WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
