i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
never play flip cup with pint glasses
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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