Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize